


Asexal

by zum



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Charlie, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-10-01 17:48:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10195469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zum/pseuds/zum
Summary: Dee confronts Charlie about the Waitress at her doorstep. Things get personal.





	

**Author's Note:**

> mild warnings for mentions of sex and pregnancy and poor understanding of asexuality
> 
> spoilers for dennis' double life

Charlie opened the door expecting to see Frank, but instead it was Dee and she didn’t look happy.

“Why is the Waitress at my doorstep, Charlie? Why aren’t you talking to her? She’s getting a pregnancy test, like, tomorrow and why do I know this!?” Dee screamed, rushing in on Charlie before he smacked her choking-hands away from his neck.

“She’s, like, totally not herself! She’s acting crazy! It’s the emotions and the hormones and—“

Charlie had to grab Dee’s wrists to keep her from continuing to attempt to choke him.

“Stop it! Why’s this all on me? I didn’t make her like this! She’s not the same, she’s acting like a total psycho—fucking, Stop it, Dee!”

“Why… Why do you think she’s different now, Charlie? She’s exactly the same. She hasn’t changed one fucking bit!”

Charlie kept holding Dee’s wrists, but he could tell that her heart wasn’t in it any more.

“Charlie, you’ve spent fifteen years stalking this woman, really. That’s how long. No one does that, dude, no one does that.”

“I’m not like everybody else, okay, Dee?” Charlie let go of Dee’s hands to start shouting. “She’s not like anybody else! The Waitress is… She’s… she’s beautiful! And perfect and I love her and I know everything about her and I see her when she buys toothpaste, she gets Crest but she steals Colgate, and she still tries to get coffee but she can’t always afford it so sometimes I put coins in her pocket but sometimes all I have are bottle caps and paperclips and back in high school sometimes she had beer bottle caps in her pockets and then later on after you and Artemis did that and she started drinking again—“

“I get it, Charlie! You love her!”

“—and even she started drinking more I could take some of the bar stuff to her and I put more vitamins in her food because she needed the extra stuff and I tried giving her some energy balls a while back but she didn’t eat those and if she has a baby it’s all different!”

“… Yeah, it’s all different! Did you not think that part through?”

Charlie gaped and squawked and stomped his foot. Dee quirked an eyebrow, though, and Charlie just yelled in frustration.

“No!”

“Yeah. That’s what I thought. You gotta tell her this, Charlie. If you really love her and all that stuff, you gotta like… tell her. Invite her here and use some of that—“ Dee tapped her head. “That stuff in your head.”

“… What if she wants to have sex again? It’s all gross and—”

Dee shrugged. “Say no if you don’t wanna. You’ve done that all your life, haven’t you?”

“Not with you.”

Dee rolled her eyes. Hard. “Well, Charlie, I thought that that was because you Wanted to.”

“You didn’t get all weird after! Not really; you tricked me on Valentine’s Day but—“

“Yeah, I’m not like her. I’m not like… most of you.”

“‘cause you’re a woman?”

“No, not because I’m—“ Dee breathed through her nose and shut her eyes. When she could return, Charlie was still just standing there confused.

“Look. You don’t look at someone and wanna bang them? Ever. You like the Waitress so when she wanted sex you were like ‘awesome, a chance to prove my love to her, and to have a baby with her so great’. That’s because you’re asexual. Do you even know that, Charlie?”

Charlie didn’t know the word.

“Asexal?”

“Asexual. Means you’re not attracted to people.” A beat. “You don’t wanna fuck people.” Charlie nodded. “But you like the Waitress. And you wanted a baby with her, not thinking it through all the way and leaving her to be emotionally compromised in front of MY apartment—“

“Got it, Dee! What does that… asexua-watchamacallit—“

“It means you don’t see a person and think they’re sexy. You don’t see people that way.”

“… So what?”

“Nothing. It doesn’t matter. You can do whatever you want with this information. Hell, maybe tell the Waitress, but I’m done with this!” Dee mimed choking Charlie, but Charlie covered his neck with his hands so she couldn’t get to him.

Dee left and Charlie could hear her bird feet stomping down the hallway all the way down the stairs. He went to the window and saw Dee walking back to her apartment, pulling out a cigarette as she did and lighting it with a blue lighter that had once been Charlie’s.

“Yeah, that’s not sexy. No one’s sexy. I’m sexy. I’m not… whatever!”


End file.
